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Make a Move

by Brittany Ann on July 9, 2012

It’s been a very long two years. June was a difficult and pivotal month for me, as usual for me for some reason. I just couldn’t get the words out that I really wanted to. That has to be one of the most common and frustrating issues of survivors, so I have heard on Pandora’s Project forums and from friends.

Two years ago, the biggest trigger of my life was introduced. I was floored that being blessed with one of my dreams was in truth, a paralyzing pain. I was frozen- a newborn in my arms that I couldn’t comfort as I had wished. My biggest trigger was this precious new life in my arms- miss ZK, a beautiful daughter. I summoned the energy to feed her, then napped every 3 hours with little help and an idea that I had forever surrendered the me I had always been. These two years later, thankfully, I now know that life isn’t over. I know that I can be “me,” even learn more about myself, and it will actually help her as we create a good life with what we believe in. It’s been a long ride to these new days, however.

When I couldn’t get the words out last month, I was making big decisions. After being a stay-at-home mom for 2 years, a beautiful opportunity has risen from previous pain. I made a move when all else seems impossible. It seems impossible to be a stay-at-home mom forever. It’s just not “me.” It doesn’t find me at my best.

I want to be the best for my daughter. I won’t be emotionally unavailable for her, and I don’t want to find her blogging about her childhood in a painful way. Her world will open up next month with learning, play, and social activities that I beg of the “universe” to let me mentally and financially afford to provide for her.

Here’s to making a move in parenting that I was so afraid I would never trust to do.

This is one important note about the biggest trigger of my life. But hear me that I say it in more and more of a sense of empowerment now. Isn’t it brilliant when we can face a trigger, name it, and in my case- hope to provide the most of the best I possibly can for <3

To my fellow MDSA survivors who fight against the tide of the past and the lack of examples, yet parent, as P&G says: “You’re doing okay, mom.”

“Just let me try, and I will be good to you.
Just let me try, and I will be there for you.
I’ll show you why you’re so much more than good enough.”
-Sarah McLachlan, “Good Enough”

  
6 Comments
  1. Walpy permalink

    Hi

    It was so good to read this – Having my firstborn 6 years ago was also a trigger for me – it sent me spiralling into post natal depression and then having to face my CSA – which I did unsuccessfully until this year. But just knowing that others are out there and reading your story and knowing I am not the only one that is at a loss for words (which seems always – with everything..ha ha) .
    I also am on Pandys and do a blog just for my own benefit but it is a mess of jumbled thoughts and emotions.
    Just wanting to share my own appreciation for your blog – so thank you!!

    • Hey Walpy,

      Thanks so much for your kind words.

      I appreciate you sharing that having your firstborn was a trigger. Sometimes I actually feel alone in my daughter having been a trigger basically since birth. I see that a lot of survivors do not struggle with parenting as much as I do, but from your reply and on a site like Pandys, I do find support and see that I’m not alone after all.

      I think it’s brilliant that you have a blog. However words manage to come out on one’s blog, I think that it can be a really healing tool.

      I wish you well as you continue to work on healing!

      Take good care and thanks again,
      Brittany

  2. Marlee permalink

    Thank you for this, my friend. With both children I’ve found myself feeling the same way, and with those feelings comes terrible shame and guilt. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and that the difficulties and pain of it all will ease with time.

    You’re amazing.
    -M

    • Marlee,

      I saw your comment some time ago and I thought I replied.

      Thank you kindly for letting me know that you understand the feelings.

      Many things tend to ease, and may they still.

      <3

  3. Pinkbell permalink

    Brittany

    By minding you, you mind you both. All will be well and your little one will be a credit to you. Keep shining.

    Pink xoxo

    • Thank you, my friend. Each compliment and well wish for peace and strength means a lot.

      Take good care,
      Brittany

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