Make a Move
It’s been a very long two years. June was a difficult and pivotal month for me, as usual for me for some reason. I just couldn’t get the words out that I really wanted to. That has to be one of the most common and frustrating issues of survivors, so I have heard on Pandora’s Project forums and from friends.
Two years ago, the biggest trigger of my life was introduced. I was floored that being blessed with one of my dreams was in truth, a paralyzing pain. I was frozen- a newborn in my arms that I couldn’t comfort as I had wished. My biggest trigger was this precious new life in my arms- miss ZK, a beautiful daughter. I summoned the energy to feed her, then napped every 3 hours with little help and an idea that I had forever surrendered the me I had always been. These two years later, thankfully, I now know that life isn’t over. I know that I can be “me,” even learn more about myself, and it will actually help her as we create a good life with what we believe in. It’s been a long ride to these new days, however.
When I couldn’t get the words out last month, I was making big decisions. After being a stay-at-home mom for 2 years, a beautiful opportunity has risen from previous pain. I made a move when all else seems impossible. It seems impossible to be a stay-at-home mom forever. It’s just not “me.” It doesn’t find me at my best.
I want to be the best for my daughter. I won’t be emotionally unavailable for her, and I don’t want to find her blogging about her childhood in a painful way. Her world will open up next month with learning, play, and social activities that I beg of the “universe” to let me mentally and financially afford to provide for her.
Here’s to making a move in parenting that I was so afraid I would never trust to do.
This is one important note about the biggest trigger of my life. But hear me that I say it in more and more of a sense of empowerment now. Isn’t it brilliant when we can face a trigger, name it, and in my case- hope to provide the most of the best I possibly can for <3
To my fellow MDSA survivors who fight against the tide of the past and the lack of examples, yet parent, as P&G says: “You’re doing okay, mom.”
“Just let me try, and I will be good to you.
Just let me try, and I will be there for you.
I’ll show you why you’re so much more than good enough.”
-Sarah McLachlan, “Good Enough”