I’ve had to be quiet. I’ve had to be so quiet and silenced that I’ve left my job. Why would I do that after 9 years of success? I’m 26 with a successful working future to look to. At least it seemed that way for a short while.
“I did it” because I can’t stand through the paranoid thoughts anymore. I can’t lose focus and forget myself- really forget myself and dissociate daily in the healthcare field. I’ve felt surreal for some time now. It’s happening again like it did when I was younger and mentally checking out from the abuse by my mother and father.
My psychiatrist of 4 years is too late. He does what he can to treat my symptoms, but the effects of being a childhood abuse survivor can’t be medicated away. There’s no medication that will pull me back into myself. Nothing will keep my skin from crawling and tingling and keep my paranoia from being acted on verbally.
- “How often would you estimate it happened?”
You instilled paranoia as I waited for 2-3 days for the next round of abuse.
- “You’re a whore. You’re a slut. You’re a whore, and this is your fault.”
“This feels unreal,” I thought to myself as a child, when I just couldn’t block it out anymore and I heard you.
- Mom is naked. Mom spreads her legs and touches herself in front of me.
My skin has never stopped tingling and crawling completely ever since.
- My father whipped me, but he punched at me, and he positioned his hands to hit me hard intimately. He positioned his body to all but suffocate me at his crotch. I felt him all around me and inside of me. I felt violence and fear encompassing me and replacing my air with its toxicity.
I was humiliated- beaten and aroused purposefully, suffocated and surrounded by a man at every part of me. His toxicity infected my body and mind.
I can’t pull me back to myself.